Where do I begin? I guess I'll start at the beginning. I don't mind sharing. It could help someone that I know, or may never know. It's not super personal. It's been a taboo. It's not so much anymore.
You know how when you are going through something and you think you are the only one that has ever gone through it? Whether it's relationships with friends, family 'issues', disciplining your kids, you get it...
I didn't know anyone else that was going through what I was going through. Actually it seemed like everyone I knew, was not having the problem at all. Infertility. You know what it means. People just don't tell you about it. Miscarriage. You know what it is. People don't really talk about that either. People that you come in contact with everyday have or have had problems getting pregnant. Or had a miscarriage. Even if they tried for 6 months and couldn't get pregnant. You feel defeated and discouraged. Miscarriage. I have been fortunate enough to not suffer through one. I do remember when my Mom did. I was in elementary school. But I remember.
Children were always in my 'life plan'. I knew that the man I married had to want kids. No question. Actually I wanted to be a Momma when I grew up. Yep! I know. High aspirations. I did the college thing because that's what you're 'supposed to do'. But I really had no desire. (Sorry Dad) I did go to a technical school so I could get a job in the medical field, which I loved! But that was to tie me over until I got married and had my babies. So my plan was: Get married by 21ish (We had been dating since we were in high school - at the time that was a long time) Have 3 kids by 25ish. (That doesn't scream Type A personality does it) Seems legit. I could do it.
Well, we married at 21 and started our life together. (2004) We both worked full time jobs. I loved mine. Michael...Just depended on the day. We were happy. We were blowing all our money and had everything we wanted.
Fast forward 3 years. I was really ready for a baby. Hey, we were getting too far out of my goals. Remember, 3 kids by 25... We were 24 and not pregnant. So in October I went and saw my OB/GYN and told them we were ready to start our family. I remember her asking me if I was 'kinda ready', or 'ready!'. I was ready! She diagnosed me with PCOS, and said I was a poster child for PCOS. I had all they typical signs and symptoms. Yippie! Just what I wanted to hear. But on the bright side, we knew why I had not conceived and knew what to do to fix that. I started on meds and after four months of 'scheduled baby making'. We did it! I was pregnant. We were both so excited. Michael a little more timid. I taught him how to put on a diaper the right way when we work nursery together one week at church. His 'baby experience' was nothing like mine. I always had a baby on my hip and I had a life sized baby brother that broke me in pretty good! Needless to say I was elated.
Again. Fast forward 2008 we had Caden!! Of course we didn't want to be pregnant at my 6 week check up, but about after he turned 18 months, I was ready. Thing were crazy for us. Our home was up in the air with the market. Michael lost his job. We moved back to Covington from Dahlonega. I was watching my niece everyday, all day. There was no way I could be pregnant. Wow.
Those months turned into years. I was taking medications again. Negative pregnancy tests were becoming the normal. I got to the point that I didn't want to take the text because I knew it would be negative. They actually put me on BCP (birth control pills) to see if that would make my 'system work'
I have not even touched the emotional side of this story. I can not explain.
So next time you think to ask someone when they are planning on having another one think about this. If they wanted to tell you, they would. It's an awkward question. If they are pregnant, you know. If they are not, you don't ask. Or you could just ask them when they are having sex. It's kind of the same, right? They have a reason. They either are finished. They are not ready. Or they are struggling to.
But here is the good news. God has given me an amazing peace about it. Amazing. It didn't come easy. You can ask my husband. There would be nights he'd be at work and I'd text him to hurry home. I couldn't handle those emotions alone. There were nights I went to sleep on a wet pillow because I had cried myself to sleep. I was bitter. I resented. I cried out to God. Why!?! Why me? Didn't he remember my plan? Why was something so simple, such a task? My peace has come in the last few months. It's amazing. I gave away some of my maternity clothes. I cried thinking about it. But I did it. I was getting ready to have a 'baby yard sale'. You know the ones where you make that mark in the sand. You're finished. No more for you.
The peace, I can't describe. I don't get it. But my God is amazing. And He is in control.
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